Dealing with Sibling Rivalry
As a mother of four children and an avid people watcher I can honestly say that sibling rivalry and jealousy is common among children. When a new baby joins a family it's perfectly natural for the existing child to display feelings of jealousy. Just imagine how you would feel if your husband brought home another wife?
Families with two or more children, frequently deal with rivalry between siblings but it can be worse if you have a child with special needs, a difficult child or if you favor one child over another. As a parent dealing with this rivalry, you can't expect your children to overcome sibling rivalry and jealousy overnight. You'll need to work on it regularly as it's an ongoing problem, especially as your children grow older.
The two most important ways that you show your child that you love him or her is the attention and approval you give them. Each of your children wants and needs you to pay attention to them. They want to please you and need to feel that you appreciation them, and are proud of them. You can do this through words of praise, like saying "Well done, good work, I like the way you did that," or by rewarding your child with gifts like toys, clothes, money, or special freedoms.
Parents can easily fall into the pattern of favoring one child over the other, intentionally or not. You might like the child who is more docile, easy going and compliant while the child who is more withdrawn, difficult or rebellious is not as easy to like. A special needs child may require more of your attention. However, it's important to recognize your feelings and make a conscious effort not to display any favoritism, or minimize it as much as possible.
Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Each of your children has unique needs, depending on their age your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. A special needs child may require more of your attention. Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they're not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
One way to help your children overcome their feelings of jealousy is to spend special time with each child individually. By sharing in quality time with each child on a one-on-one basis, you let them know that they are not in competition with each other.
As the parent, you need to set ground rules for what is acceptable behavior. Tell your children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming, no hitting etc. Ask for their input on your rules and the consequences when they break them. This teaches your kids that they're responsible for their own actions, no matter what the situation.
What ever you do, never, ever compare your children.
Often sibling rivalries can be easily resolved by just offering an ear. Frustrated children may not always know how to express their frustrations so teach them to use their words to express their feelings to you and each other. When you are forced to play referee, listen to their opinions and give each child time to speak and never take sides. The last thing you want to do is give one the idea that you are more partial to him than another. This will only lead to even more sibling jealousy and just escalate the situation even more.
Try to make sure each of your children has enough time and space of their own. Every child needs the opportunity to do their own thing, and play with their own friends without their siblings tagging along. They also need to have their space and property protected and respected.
Lastly, teach your children how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Ask them questions to make them think about the conflict and come up with their own solution. Don't just focus on breaking apart a war of the words between your children, give them the tools, then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, "I know you two can figure out a good solution." It's your responsibility as a parent to make sure their conflict ends in a resolution with a plan to follow for the future.
Families with two or more children, frequently deal with rivalry between siblings but it can be worse if you have a child with special needs, a difficult child or if you favor one child over another. As a parent dealing with this rivalry, you can't expect your children to overcome sibling rivalry and jealousy overnight. You'll need to work on it regularly as it's an ongoing problem, especially as your children grow older.
The two most important ways that you show your child that you love him or her is the attention and approval you give them. Each of your children wants and needs you to pay attention to them. They want to please you and need to feel that you appreciation them, and are proud of them. You can do this through words of praise, like saying "Well done, good work, I like the way you did that," or by rewarding your child with gifts like toys, clothes, money, or special freedoms.
Parents can easily fall into the pattern of favoring one child over the other, intentionally or not. You might like the child who is more docile, easy going and compliant while the child who is more withdrawn, difficult or rebellious is not as easy to like. A special needs child may require more of your attention. However, it's important to recognize your feelings and make a conscious effort not to display any favoritism, or minimize it as much as possible.
Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Each of your children has unique needs, depending on their age your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. A special needs child may require more of your attention. Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they're not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
One way to help your children overcome their feelings of jealousy is to spend special time with each child individually. By sharing in quality time with each child on a one-on-one basis, you let them know that they are not in competition with each other.
As the parent, you need to set ground rules for what is acceptable behavior. Tell your children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming, no hitting etc. Ask for their input on your rules and the consequences when they break them. This teaches your kids that they're responsible for their own actions, no matter what the situation.
What ever you do, never, ever compare your children.
Often sibling rivalries can be easily resolved by just offering an ear. Frustrated children may not always know how to express their frustrations so teach them to use their words to express their feelings to you and each other. When you are forced to play referee, listen to their opinions and give each child time to speak and never take sides. The last thing you want to do is give one the idea that you are more partial to him than another. This will only lead to even more sibling jealousy and just escalate the situation even more.
Try to make sure each of your children has enough time and space of their own. Every child needs the opportunity to do their own thing, and play with their own friends without their siblings tagging along. They also need to have their space and property protected and respected.
Lastly, teach your children how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Ask them questions to make them think about the conflict and come up with their own solution. Don't just focus on breaking apart a war of the words between your children, give them the tools, then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, "I know you two can figure out a good solution." It's your responsibility as a parent to make sure their conflict ends in a resolution with a plan to follow for the future.
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